I love the movie UP. I tear up every time, without fail. Don't judge me...its heartwarming. I love the wild, adventurous, sassy girl whose not you're typical pretty girl but manages to captivate the main character who more than anything just wants adventure. He's accident prone and frankly not super ambitious but their love it beautiful and relatable. But more than anything I love UP because its a story about how life doesn't always go the way we planned it. And we are not always the people we thought we'd turn out to be. But sometimes, if we can let go and be brave...our adventures are better than we ever dreamed and we're better than we ever could have planned.
I can't quite tell you yet how we got here. It might be a book someday. Marriage is a sensitive tale and whether you're not ready to hear it or we're not ready to write it ; I'm not sure which one it more true. But let me just sum up the past 12 year with this- its not what I thought it'd be. Shocker, right?! I married someone who (with his permission to say this): did not really know himself, what he wanted to do or who he needed to be. And the major problem was that he didn't know it and he had everyone fooled.
Twelve years and a recipe for disaster later, God finally brought him to a barren desert place where it was; shrivel and die or finally cry out to him. I've had my own desert place before, maybe you have to. One of my favorite songs, currently, has a line in it, "Thank you for the wilderness, Where I learned to thirst for your presence, If I'd never known that place, how could I have known you were better?" Its a breaking point (but not like the movie). Thankfully, Ky chose restoration, help, forgiveness, grace and God.
There's a word that lots a people are afraid to mention that starts with a TH and its not THOR. Therapy. You can call it counseling it that sits better. But either way it's help. Some people are good at accepting help but honestly I don't know any. Admitting that you need help is hard enough. Letting someone help you is a whole 'nother deal. We began going to a marriage/family counselor. Not only did it begin to help us immediately but it also open up giant jars of worms for Ky. Like on of those gag jokes where you stuff the giant worm in the can and then pop the top and it comes flying out. Only these worms weren't nearly as funny. The past is hard to wade through but we have learned that you can't move forward until you have gone all the way back.
Suddenly it was like we were dating again, I was getting to know my husband all over again because frankly he was getting to know himself. He was no longer stuffing his opinions and he was learning to have conversations.
He began to think about what he wanted to do. He'd met with a recruiter in high school but talked himself into playing football for UCA instead. But along his journey he'd always regretted not joining the services and then felt like it was too late. Only to find out it wasn't.
He began putting his relationship with God first and our family dynamic changed because he changed. But more importantly we began to pray about major decisions in our families future together and for the first time in our history he would hear from God first!
We began praying about the National Guard for many months and made pros and cons lists and had many, many late night conversations about all the benefits as well as all the sacrifices it would require. At first he wanted to pursue his life long dream of flying helicopters, because ultimately he was going into the Guard to help and save people. But after many months of waiting we found out he missed the age cut off for the pilot program by three months! After a day discouragement, we re-evaluated why he wanted to get into the guard in the first place. I thought about all the times he would come home from work with adrenaline rushed stories of being a first responder at an accident or for a child at the club... and how he loved to teach CPR classes. He brought up combat medic. The conversation went something like this:
"Is that like M*A*S*H?"
"No but yes. A little. But not really."
"Ok. Cool. I think you'll like that."
So he enlisted.
And just like that he's in the National Guard. He leaves for basic training in November. And I don't want to sugar coat this, its going to be a hard year. But great things and following your dreams always requires sacrifice. Going back to school is costly and requires huge amounts of money sacrifice. Starting a new career requires blood, sweat, money and tears. Obeying God, no matter what it is he is asking you to do is always risky and costly. But...
But sometimes, if we can let go and be brave...our adventures are better than we ever dreamed and we're better than we ever could have planned.
I gotta tell you, a previous version of me (big bangs...fake retainer out of paper clip...glitter contact paper books) was told to make a list of qualifications that your future husband had to be. So I did. And I revised it probably every year. But the current version of me knows that if you compared that list to what the Lord has asked me to go through and be brave about- would make you cry. You might even think I got duped. But you'd be wrong. I got duped back in youth group when I was told that could "place my order" for a husband and my life and my genie god would grant me my wish because I was a good little baptist girl. And the current version of me knows that even though my list did not include things like kids with birth defects, kids with emotional issues, heartbreak, marriage counseling (because that's only for people who can't get their *&$@! together...or so I thought) and more heartbreak- just like Mr. Fredricksen in UP, he had no idea how big his adventure was, how much his heart needed to grow, how brave he could be and far he would go to love- if my life and list had been granted, I would never know how big my adventures could be, how much my heart needed to grow, how brave God could make me and how far I can go to love.
I'm that wild, adventurous, sassy girl whose not the typical pretty girl but I somehow managed to captivate the new kid in town who more than anything just wanted adventure. He's not perfect and he's quite the opposite of the "list" but our love it beautiful, messy and relatable. More than anything, I love US because its a story about how life doesn't always go the way we planned it. And we are not always the people we hoped we'd turn out to be. But sometimes, if we can let GOD and be brave and courageous...our adventures are better than we ever dreamed and we're better than we ever could have planned.
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