Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Slightly out of view

You would think with everything that Jax has been through thus far that there blood would not be an issue. Well...  

He'd been sick. And as strep laden as this kid usually is evey year, I thought we'd better just go in because that's what it is. He's getting good at letting them swab his throat (only minor gagging) but when the strep test was negative- we got nervous. They wanted to take blood and run some test for mono and white blood cell count, etc. He'd never had blood taken before. Here's where my medical-cleft-mom-overanalyzer kicks in. Do I talk him through this? Do I hold him? Do I talk to him genntly while they stick him with the needle and try to distract him? Do I go out of the room? What is best? 

Let me pause. Are you wondering why I'm writing about two nurses taking blood? Are you wondering why I am over analyzing this and about to get real deep on you about this parenting moment? Well, because this is what I do.  There are these moments where the room slows and I hear the spirit whisper, "This is what its like." And I know these moments aren't just for me. They are meant to be shared. 

So, here's how this went. Two sweet-sweet nurses came in and just as natural as can be while they prepped him, I slowly backed away, just slightly out of view. They talk to him softly and told him what was happening and he watched bravely as they stuck him with the needle. His mouth flung open silently in pain for a moment but there were not tears, he didn't do his normal "wail", there was no yelling for me or fighting. I didn't react to his face ever though I wanted to. I didn't speak to him or reassure him...I just let him be brave.  I didn't rush to him and hold him. But as soon as the nurses were done you better believe I made a HUGE deal about how brave he'd been. He'd just done something that he'd never done before. And for this first born who's been through alot of medical trauma- that's a big deal. 
Sometimes I know that I can be his crutch because of his history. I know that there's times he needs to be talked through daily activites. Or he struggles with transistion. Or possibly needs some OT for some sensory/texture/control issues. But I also witnessed him being brave simply because I was out of view. 

And it was then, that the spirit whispered, "this is how it is."

Does God sometimes feel slightly out of view? Far away? obstructed? Like he's hiding? I know it does because even the psalmist felt this way (alot) "How long, Lord? Will you hide yourself forever?" Psalm 89:46
But I know there have been times in my life, even recently, that I felt that God hadn't forsaken me but that he was slightly out of view but yet he was asking and giving me the opportunity to be brave. He didn't talk me through it. He didn't reassure me. He didn't baby me or coddle me or even seemingly hold me. But at just the right time- he lets me know that he saw my bravery. 
And just like Jax I (we?) have things that I want him to talk me through daily. Doesn't everyone on some level struggle with change/transistions? We all probably need some therapy. But I am convinced that he gives opportunities to be brave. Sometimes he moves out of view so that we can prove it to ourselves that we can be. 

He promises to never forsake us, just like I hadn't left Jax, I was still with him. Just slightly out of view. Does God feel that way to you? Maybe he's asking you to be brave today.

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