A year ago I went and sat at DHS thinking I was bringing
home a two year old little girl. I came home with her 12 year old brother two.
For the craziest first few days we actually travelled to Hot
Springs for a sister in law’s wedding, who I was doing her cake for. On the way
home it was mother’s day, none of the kids napped, squashed in the back seat of
the CRV and the air managed to go out.
I wanted to send them back. Or anywhere. (you can judge me
for that if you want, but it’s true.)
Everyday I wondered how to get them all fed, bathed and in
bed at the similar times. I wondered how to take them all to Wal-Mart.
I thought I had made a mistake and every 5 minutes or so I
had a mini panic attack and hissy fit silently, simultaneously. Almost every
day I called Kyle and said, “I don’t think I can do this, we need to send them
back.” Turns out I was experiencing a slow painful death of a part of my
selfishness and I was going down in a flaming, kicking and screaming fit. (inwardly of course…keep it together)
Well, it’s funny how much difference a year makes.
Today of all days I had to take the 12 yr old to the dentist
to get his front tooth rebuilt….for.the.third.time. Why? Because he chose for himself not to wear the mouth
guard that we told him (and the dentist told him) he HAD to wear when being
active. We had a seriously hard discussion about ;
*sin always has consequences
*sin never affects just you
*sin always brings unhappiness
*When you disobey your parents, you are really sinning
against God because he commands children to obey their parents.
*You know people love you because they a) take care of you
b) teach you right from wrong and how to be better c) they do what is BEST for
you
And it occurred to me that in a year, you can go from
focusing on how to get them all fed and bathed, to focusing the condition of
their heart. It’s not longer a big
deal to take all three of them anywhere (though I do avoid it at all cost..divide
and conquer, I say). It’s second nature to get them fed and in bed at a
reasonable time while taking the time to talk “princess feefee” through
whatever momentary shutdown she is having.
There are still days that I think, “What in the world are we
doing this for?” or “Why don’t 12 year old boys come with brains?” There are
still days I feel left out of girl things or friend things and I wonder if its
because we’re a family of five or if its because I have foster kids. Its a funny feeling to know that alot of your girlfriends trade babysitting favors but no one ever offers to keep my three. People assume things and decide things for us and it drives me bonkers, and I wonder, "Would they do that if we only had one kid?"
But there’s those moments when I can be having the
hardest conversation with either of them, any of them and the Lord whispers, this is a big moment. They will remember
this. This is why you’re doing this.
I have had the privilege to take the princess to BSF for a
year and what a difference the word of God makes in a little heart. We got the
princess the therapy and help she needed and got her blessed tonsils out. She
has called us “mommy and daddy” since the first moment. And it’s an ironic
privilege to be her mommy.
We have had the privilege of giving the 12 yr old two pages
worth of “firsts”. Changing his ideas about hard work and money, marriage and
right vs. wrong. We’ve had a tumultuous relationship but I pray that most moms
feels the same things I feel towards their preteen sons.
I still don’t know how long they will be with us. Will it be
hard if they leave someday? You bet a box of Kleenex it will. Do I worry about
the timing and the future? Can I lie on my own blog…better not. Has it been the hardest (but most sanctifying)
experience of my life? Top two. If foster parenting for the faint of heart? Yes
and no, you just wait and faint when everyone’s gone to bed.
But none of really doesn’t matter. God’s doing what he does
best. I love to think about how at just
the right moment, he intervened in their little lives and brought them out.
He assigned them to us and he’s allowed us to be a part of reshaping their
hearts and minds. I fully trust God to watch over them and do whatever is very best for them…which is sometimes different
than what I think is best.
What a difference a year makes.
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