Friday, March 11, 2011
I heard a great exampl of it at the radioathon yesterday: "Arkansas Children's Hospital does turn ANYONE away, because of inabality to pay"
I've hear the opposite in my language toward Jax: "Jax is you act this way, then you don't get this" or "If you're really good, then this."
I see a lack of it in my relationships: I have a hard time showing love to someone who is regularly hateful or even passive aggressive towards me. I have an even harder time being nice to someone who is currently being hateful to someone I love.
I see where I fail at it in my marriage: I'll forgive you if you change and if you never do that again
I fail at it in my reactionary nature.
I fail at it in my cold shoulder defense mechanisms.
I fail at it in my self image.
I fail miserably at loving people unconditionally.
Unconditinal love is a phrase that gets thrown around alot. But it's come up as a theme in my life for a while now, and I'm just now putting all of it together. I want to work on but I also know that would lead to more failure.
Jesus knows why I'm like this, how I learned it and HE IS the only way that I will learn to love without conditions and limits and learn to show that love to others.
It's strange because I LOVE people but I suck @ LOVING them.
I want to love people unconditionally. I want God to just "install" his love hardrive in me.
*I want Jax and my other kids to know that my love for them and even how or how much love I show them is not based on their actions, attitude or life choices. I want to learn to act out Grace and Mercy to them (along with consequences for sin)
*I want to be kind and loving to people even when they hurt me. To be a quiet as a lamb and as calm as a lion. Not even to "kill them with kindess" because that still implies a malacious heart...but to truly love them even when my heart is breaking because of them.
*I want to forgive with out expectations. I want to be able to say in a way, "I forgive you even if you turn around and do that again. And if you keep doing it your whole life."
Just like in that quote from "The Mexican" :" When two people really love each other but just can't seem to get it together...when do you get to the point when enough is enough?"
*I don't want to react with a disapointed face. I don't want to blow up or yell. I want to trust God that he can/will vindicate, that he is just and sovreign and all I'm called to do it LOVE.
*I don't want to shut up my heart just because someone has hurt me. Because it only hurts so bad because I loved them so much. Therefore the same applies: enough is never enough. I shouldn't have to shut off my heart to them just because I'm offended or hurt or having a pity party. (Christ died for even those who beat him and shouted crucify, not just the passive bystanders)
*I want to love myself even when I hate my hair or wish I was "as petit as so and so"...see?, I even put conditions of how much I let myself love myself. I need to love myself for the Jesus that is in me and not just it I like what I see in the mirror.
I don't want to turn anyone away because of an inablilty to know how to love me, an inablilty of not hurting me, an inablilty of doing the right thing all the time (because who can do THAT?!)
I know I have things to post about Jax, ACH and Radioathon. But this is what's on my heart today. It's a transparent Friday, what can I say?