I play mind games with myself and the Holy Spirit. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds.
But if you know me at all in real life then you can probably concur with the following personal assessment: I over think, over analyze, over talk, over doubt and well…probably over a lot more things.
This has its benefits, like, say- when it comes to writing, or talking things through with lil miss thang. But when it comes to what God is doing and trying to discern what steps to take, I'll just confess I get in my own way. And I know I get in his way. Not that I actually keep Him from accomplishing His will, but I can just imagine him very patiently saying, "Megan, you're in my way again."
Please tell me this is not just me.
So, I play mind game and maybe I'm the only one who will admit to it. But I do. I try to figure out what he's doing and as if its some "choose your own ending book" where I can skip ahead and figure out what is going to happen or a hologram from iRobot where I can ask the right question and get another clue.
But God doesn't work this way. He's not a genie that I can just rub and get my questions answered or wishes granted. But I think…rather, I want to believe that even though I'm overly everything and I get in the way a lot, he's honored (mostly entertained?) by my desire to seek His will.
So here's where this gets real.
(I'm going to be somewhat cryptic, sorry. Please don't get angry) We recently had an opportunity come our way that was a legitimate blindside. Kyle literally called a few weeks ago and said, "Are you sitting down?" ….(open up sky, fall into lap, mouth drops open.)
It was an opportunity that was a lost dream. Something Kyle and I had both given up on, dropped in a pile of other broken dreams and resolved that "That's probably not going to happen." And so when God so clearly lands something like that in your lap that you did not in any way go searching for, sometimes my mind games begin with something like, "This must be right." or "It's finally happening?!"
And like we have lived most of our lives, when it seems like God is opening a door, we follow through with walking to or through it, until it closes. So we did. We approached this opportunity with awe and humility, thankful that God had rekindled that desire in Kyle and showed him that it wasn't lost at all. We prayerfully walked up to the door.
And then it shut.
It didn't slam or echo through the halls of life. It simply closed.
But I was disappointed. And promptly began the mind games. "Lord, why would you even bring that up if you weren't going to do it."
To which he said, how do you know I'm not going to do it?
I was completely convicted by a quote that I read on Sunday, which I shared on FB, by Andrew Murray, "Beware in your prayers, above everything else of limiting God, not only by unbelief, but by fancying that you know what he can do. Expect the unexpected things above all that we can ask or think."
My brain just exploded.
I fell down on my bed and stared at the ceiling and said, "You're right Lord- I don't know what you are going to do. But I won't pretend anymore that I know what you CAN do. We'll just wait and watch."
Now, I'm not saying that whole committees will change their minds, or that money will fall from the sky or that everyone will flock to amazon to buy my books when they come out…but I don't want to stay stuck in the "it can't happen" place. Because that limits God, and since clearly God has no limits…then he's not in my "it can't happen place".
And after my fulfilled my need of talking things out, Kyle replied in simple terms, "I think He just wanted my YES on the table." Which, essentially is the same thing that God was showing me, that I then over stated, here. :)
But now…our YES and our HOWEVER YOU WANT LORD is on the table.
I can't say that I won't OVER everything because its part of how God wired me, but I truly do not want to limit God. I truly do want to expect the unexpected and have my mind blown by what is wants to do. I do not want to get in His way.